Multiply is the new emotional haven slash rant site for me, because only a few people are here and most of them have no time to even browse this anymore because of the Facebook mania. And thanks to that fact, I could share my big-time ruckus slash perpetual problem in this subtly without the other people involved reading this (luckily I didn't add them nor they have Multiply). So where was I? Oh yes, I kinda figured out that my life sucks and I'm not going anywhere with it. Basically, the term appropriate for my situation is DOOMED. Yup. Make that All-caps and for the record, it must be the largest font and must be bold. Something like this:
DOOMED.
Oh yes. I knew at some point in my life I would say that my life sucks when all I was in September was in Cloud nine. Yeah. It's partly my fault, I should say. Or maybe fine. All of it. I would trace it back to the very beginning when I was in High school. Hooking up was the worst idea. Why? It ruined me academically, I lost my ace over everything I was good at, and also I believed in something I knew before was delusional. I knew I was a good analytic thinker not until I presumably got enticed and went with the flow--just like any other curious cat who died according to the saying.
I wasn't careful at all. When I had this eerie gut feeling from the very beginning, which I ignored for the meantime thanks to my then counselor of stuffs (who's now at the UAE working not for me anymore). I wrote a whole back page of my then crush journal solely dedicated to JVE on how I feel that this person-who-I-realized-wasn't-dreamy-at-all would turn out in the end. Yeah, this all continued without me looking at obvious facts: I was convinced I was delusional but in the long run after 3 years, I realized I wasn't. It was the normal gut feel I usually have when I'm sure I really don't want something. But maybe because of the longevity of it, I sure thought everything would turn out okay.
So I continued stumbling till I fell on the pit 4 years later. And now I'm suffering the consequences alone. Where has the togetherness gone now? I'm pretty sure it's lingering somewhere, but I wouldn't want to initiate it. Primarily because it's basic that the one someone tripped at is the jinx that caused his misery. In my case, that would be the case. I'm not hopeful or anything now because I knew this would be leading to a dead end. Ah, screw myself for not sticking to my clairvoyance. I had a talent for that proven many times before, but I didn't pay attention. Maybe because of peer pressure, family pressure, and flesh pressure. Ooh talk to me about that.
They say it's a Yin and Yang effect, or maybe the Good or Bad Karma. For me, it might be a lucky-unlucky phase: I used to be so lucky earlier this year by having everything under my control. And then after the lucky phase, it's time to roll the unlucky phase which started last August. Pretty fair, I guess. I expected something unlucky but not as big as what came to me. Although still, I'm quite lucky to have the monetary and security support from my family, I believe it won't last long. Because of my wrong moves, I screwed up and was dubbed to have regretted everything for not believing my mother. Ah, come on. That's not exactly what happened.
She even told me to stick around with that guy because he seemingly would die for me in that specific incident from before. She was wrong. Or so as I thought.
He did that life-threatening thing in order to prove I was stupid. He wasn't desperate. It was all a plan to catch everyone's sympathy and turn me into the villain. While we both were doing sorts of mischievous acts, just like in most societies, women are looked down upon morally because of that mistake. Yeah right. I'm no feminist though, but I'm a female. He can run away from everything while I live with everything every single day of my life. Not until in the course of my death.
I must be mourning now over a lot of things: my ruined social life, my ruined acads life, my ruined love life (oh yes, talk about wrong timing)... I don't know where to start, but right now I won't turn yet to be the overly-religious person who usually finds God in the middle of problems and so on and so forth. I won't turn out just like that yet.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
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