When I was younger, I always thought being an only child is the best thing that could possibly happen to me. I was given almost anything that I wished for and all the opportunities of good stuff are present for me to experience. Everything is just centered in me and no one else, and all attention was practically poured onto me. Yes, it's the 'me' that is always present sometimes changeable into 'mine', 'I', and 'myself'. I haven't thought of the repercussions and what would be's since I was pretty much enjoying my younger days that way. Why worry if someone's going to worry for you and that nothing seems to turn out wrong? That was before. Not until now.
It seems to me that there are things solitude can't make me happier like before. Sure, it was fun getting all your favorite food on the table without anyone to share it with, but as I grow older, I found out that it's better to have the company of people akin to you. I found that sort of relationship with friends--most of them I met more than 10 years ago and some of them just recently in my college days. They gave me the fun I missed out by not having any siblings, especially now that my relationship with my parents are strained.
However, just like other things, friends come and go. Sure we hang out, but not all of the time. Everyone's busy with school, especially now that it's the graduation from college wave. This time, I have no one to turn to. I cannot let myself stoop lower than what I'm currently am by chasing off some guy who usually seeks my attention. I should know, because my pride hasn't even shredded even though it should be right now. Yeah, I might have the guts but most of the time I feel so alone--emotionally and physically. My parents have been busier than before as I noticed. Maybe when you're old enough to ran off with some guy, they won't bug you as they bugged you before, so it seems.
Things aren't the same as before since they are much more complicated and much more difficult to fathom. I don't want to bug my friends for honestly speaking of all my concerns because I know the feeling of being shared the sentiments. They'd just feel bad, well that's how I think it should be. Besides, it will take up more time to unravel what I really think of. As of now, I think I could still keep things to myself even though it's damn irritating especially at night when I can't sleep. Sometimes a new perspective isn't just enough to change the way you look at the world. Negativity should be eliminated, if possible. In my case, I can't take it away from my identity yet. That's how I lived for almost 20 freakin' years.
Since I don't really believe in relationships that work out oh-so-fine till the end of time, I can't count on some guy that I'm in a relationship with to share my sentiments. Is it really him or is it me that makes everything weirder? Sometimes I really want to repeat the statement I just said in his face: I regret every single day that I was born as a female. Dang, who should be blamed then? I don't wanna name drop because it's a sin. Besides, my sexuality could only be blamed for my fickle-mindedness. Screw that, really. Though feminists say that women shouldn't be considered the weaker sex, I think at this point of time, I would assert to that. My life would be the living testament of that though it's a cliche.
It's obvious that at the end of this post, I really suck at life, and at being constant with the working title.
Friday, November 6, 2009
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