I've done a gazillion personality tests and they all analyzed me to be a logical and rational person. I am, except when it comes to affairs of the heart.

I'm an old world romantic, where i believe a kiss (doesn't even need tongue!) or hand holding seals the deal. That's why i keep suitors at arm's length until i'm sure. I'm quite a prude like that.

Unfortunately, reality isn't like in the movies, a kiss these days mean nothing. It could mean fun or it could mean a workout (120 calories an hour).

Having been in a steady relationship for 6 years, my eyes opened up to the flawed world since the last break-up. Men can be such jerks!

Since the break-up, i've reconnected with old friends, cultivated female friendships and i've travelled alot. Alone. Which sucks because i get weird stares using a tripod & i'm always afraid someone's gonna do a Mr Bean on me (run away w my camera).

I've asked myself if chemisty is more important than the 5Cs, and i've laid criterias in my head for the next partner. I thought with the criterias, it'll lessen heartache. Although really, the only criteria i have is to have a Christian partner, a church going one because its something important to me to share as a couple. Besides, having it otherwise, i know, will cause my parents heartache.

I got to admit when work is stressful, i looked to my suitors who've proposed and contemplated if i should just sell my soul. Being a tai-tai is every Singaporean girl's dream right?

But i can't. I'm idealistic and i concluded 2 way chemistry is too damn important to lose. This revelation came when a cute smart Christian guy with all the 5Cs tried to get fresh but i stopped him in the cinema. I was interested in him but when he tried taking my hand, it just felt uncomfortable. He said "you're just not that into me." I was stumped and mumbled, "but this is only the second date".

Then, i realised, he's right. If i felt chemistry, anything also can! Hahahaa.

Also, i thought about sex (obviously). I can't imagine laying beside someone i've no chemistry with. Although i've seen women doing it, i've heard women growing to love, and the Aunties advise "what have you then left when chemistry fades?".

So, i bought a house. If i don't meet someone whom i've chemistry with, i don't need anyone. Period. I'll have my house, my bolster and i'll adopt a dog.

BUT chemistry is a dangerous thing. It throws all rationales out of the window and it's a scary thing to lose control for an organized freak like me. Yet i like spontaneous activities, i am a ball of contradictions.

After my past boyfriends told me the reason for our break-up is because i'm too accomodating and nice (& they take it for granted), I've read the book Why Men Marry Bitches to toughen up.

But i just can't exercise it, because it's just not my character! I don't sweat the small stuff, dwelling on the negative just makes me miserable. I do love myself as much as loving him.

While i count every relationship as an experience in maturity, i believe it was chemistry that made me tolerate too much. All the cheating, all the lies, all the signs onset that we didn't have the same life goals nor values, i pushed it aside.

I'm a hopeful girl. All the deceitful partners didn't make me lose trust. But the logical mind tells me once bitten, twice shy.

Life to me, is about relationships. With family, with friends, with lovers or even with pets. I'm willing to give up many things to follow a partner to the ends of the world, i did & almost did again later. In a very old fashioned way, i believe in sticking it out through thick and thin. I remember supporting my first bf through school. I studied and held 3 jobs to feed him & myself. That went on for 18 months and i was happy being the home maker. The most hurtful was when he threw a hissy fit because i went to my friend's house to shower (it was winter and my heater was spoilt) and dinner was served late. I remember crying out to him how "my head tells me differently from my heart" and i believed him that "things will be different". It wasn't.

After all these experiences, when the time or the person comes, should i follow my heart still? Is there a game to play? I suck at chess, i'm better at reversè.

I vowed to not be the hunter because it seems like its innate for men to treasure their throphy better after working hard in getting it. But i like defying all odds, i like going against the current like a silly guppy in a tank.

I hate holding back.

The Bible has meaning behind discouraging premarital sex and cohabitation. I only get it now.

Cohabitation is discouraged because it takes away the sacredness of marriage. In today's world, we operate on trying before buying. Divorce comes easy, when it don't work. Heard of the stories how newly weds realise their living habits are so different that it causes friction? They're true and so a gf says seperate bathrooms makes a happy marriage. If living habits don't match, do you then call a marriage off? You shouldn't but i've seen people do.

In school, i've always failed in Chemistry. I'm better in Physics, making things work than finding things that work. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is giving, love is commitment. Love is supportive, love is accepting.

Today, ex lovers are successful and I'm glad i was part of their growing years. Never mind i was battered because some day, i'll find someone who won't leave me behind. For now i know i've loved and will love again.

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