Honestly, I’m at a state of emotional downtime right now. Problems have arrived, both internally and externally. I’m not writing this for angst’s sake or because I want to have a tell-all for those who will pass by my blog, but I’m writing this out of removing the guilt/hurt/sadness and all the negative things coming into my mind today. Sure, I might have all the bitterness here, but I must say that I did things that somewhat blew off my constant system. What was I thinking anyway? Here I am wondering why I had done everything. Ooh. Talking about ‘jumping into the cliff without thinking twice’. Since it all started with my impulsive behavior, it also should end that way.
I bet anyone who’s reading this can’t get straight to my point. I’m talking about all instances here, but I do not wish to specify. I can’t put myself to cry although I want to. I would want to do that, but maybe my tears were taken by Optimus Prime’s earlier death (but he was resurrected… ooh, spoiler mode). Hmn, Michael Jackson’s death hasn’t done any effect with this. Again, out of impulse, I’ve been doing this. I would also not want to elaborate this.
Okay. Let me rant. Or rather let me just blabber even just for a little space in my blog. Let me type nothingness with some sense into this. I know it is foolish. But then again, I don’t think I’m happy nor sad about it. Some part of my emotions are breaking down into two parts. My mind wants me to concentrate on my dad’s illness. My heart also does that. Maybe the shock about my dad’s illness and the fact that he doesn’t want to pursue medication blew my mind off. Because of that, I don’t want to be happy. But I also don’t want to be sad. So I think being sorta neutral but wavering to the depths of loneliness will make me feel better.
I’ve grown up now. I could finally recognize what would benefit me emotionally. When it comes to financial part, I don’t think I'll rely on anyone like my parents. I would want to concentrate on my studies now. I believe that some ultimate force must’ve told my mind that it would be best for now if I do focus on my studies—and I should do something immediately about it. I’m just worrying about a lot of things, but I think I should take someone’s word for that.
From this point of time, I’m at a loss of what to do. My daily activities would not change. I think I won’t speak about anything for now. And I should end something too. I know it’s folly if I’d be too engrossed with directing my attention to other things, and leave my social life behind, but I think I need that. I would try to change my bitchy ways from now on. I’ll try to be nicer. No, I’ll not try but I’ll start being nicer to most people.
Whether I hurt anyone during the process or gave hope to anyone, I don’t want to know. What’s important is that I could live normally.
My life’s been abnormal for the last 4 years. I want to revert it to the normal way it was. I really hope I could do that.
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