I don’t know if this should be the right title since I didn’t have any positive thoughts about my doubts. I looked up this idiom in a certain website I always look for answers (take note: not Google :)) but this is what I saw and it bothered me more if this should be the appropriate title:
A favorable judgment granted in the absence of full evidence.
Okay, so I was taken aback and I thought of it again. Maybe I NEED TO GIVE THIS ONE in order for me to stop grumbling and be merely satisfied with all of the things that I could assumingly touch, see, hear and analyze. Yes, I have always been skeptical to most things, especially with romance. If I could count the moments I had lost “loves” because of this, my 10 fingers would not be enough to count them. The best word could be cynical, and in fact, my cynicism reached lengths where I can’t control it—detesting and contesting such obvious scenarios and instances one has done to me. All I ask for are proofs, but when I thought of it, those proofs I was looking for since then were right in front of me. Was I blinded or is it just because of the long run state of disbelief I am having? Should we call it paranoia?
I rethink of it for a dozen of times daily. I ponder, weigh, analyze, solve… what else should I do in order for me to firmly believe that such love exists? I can’t accept it. I do not believe it. Those things I perceive could be folly, that’s why I won’t give in to the emotional attachment and mental connections… but each day it becomes harder to resist it. I gave up the physical part of my entire whole being—the one that’s dubbed to be the “most important thing in the world”—for I believe that is not the thing you are loosing, but it’s more on the emotional prowess that takes you away from yourself. You can lose the physical thing for about a million of times, but when it’s your heart and spirit that you’ll be giving away… that’s another thing. You can always replace the physical attraction, but the other things that go along with it will make you awestricken and give up everything you own (not the song, okay).
It is true that it’s hard to find real answers in the real world. Nobody knows everything and everything knows nobody. Everything can happen to anyone, but anyone cannot happen to have everything. Yes, I will confuse myself and others deeper so that with this confusion, I might be able to shield my inner weakling and appear as another so-so living in this earth—with nothing but my corporal entity as a representative. Oh yes, I admit that I’ve been doing my best to encounter everything starting the day I stepped into college, though it might literally and figuratively kill me someday. At least, I got a taste of things not every 40-year old has… (credits to a certain movie)
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