Torture

 

I always wonder why I still have to hurt myself like this. It's not that I don't want to be happy but I do believe there is no happy ending, and that he is not my happy ending. Before he has hurt me a couple of times "unintentionally" as he claims, but still I doubt it after he had seemingly honestly told me the truth about his exploits I had caught him doing not so long ago. That, I cannot forgive.

He always tells me I'm the most important, like he cannot live without me and he really cares for me but what does he do? He just makes me cry over "trivial" matters, but those small things count more to me than of other things he does for me. I don't think he's particularly being transparent with me, and that he's always doing this to hurt me. He was wired like that.

Although when I read his sweet nothings and remember his loving gestures, I fail to remember how hurt I was and how I cried endlessly for nights while I am having our son. Those nights I felt so alone that he wasn't there to support me were the longest and saddest I ever had. The days where I went to the OB alone made me hate myself for carrying his child and bearing all the stress coming from it. Good thing I was able to handle it, if not for the love I had for our little boy--that he seriously didn't have at first when I felt it already.

I cursed him and hurt him, but still I feel like I'm gonna cry every time I do that. Once, he has seen me breakdown and do all the hurtful physical things to him, but he didn't learn from that. He knows that sooner or later I will cool down and we'll settle things right. But I never forget what he's done. I always go back to it whenever I feel bad about something he did, or whenever I think he's doing something wrong. Trust will never be present (because from the very start of our boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, I have not trusted him), therefore true, unadulterated love won't be here as well.

I don't know how long will this be, or how far can I go from what I'm doing to him…. But for sure, he wouldn't be around next time to understand me, or to hug me when I'm throwing tantrums, or to give me a tissue when I'm bursting in tears. He would not kiss me anymore, hold my hand when I'm just beside him, or hug me tightly with no particular reason. I will surely look for that and for the great sex we had.

The thing is, I cannot say I love you when I am not that sure; nor I cannot tell you how I feel because you will have high hopes of me.

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Unrest

This title will be similar to what some spirits are to be described if they still dwell in this world, or just like a rally of people in Mendiola when they want to voice out their concerns in public. Yes, my feelings are still in a state of unrest. I don't know if this is the proper way of writing this noun here together with another noun-- feelings.

Oh well, whatever grammatical problem I'm having right now as a concern is due to my late-night job as a tutor.

Anyway, going back to my earlier point, I still have these ill feelings about my said loving hubby who really is loving and thoughtful, I have no questions about that. But what really ticks me off is how he handles the sharing of some details of his life outside my boundaries to me. It's just where the ill feeling starts. I just think that he's not telling me enough details, but it is I who seemingly isn't interested.

In truth, I really want him to open up and tell everything to me straightforwardly, just like when we're just starting college with that logbook of ours. Now it's as if he's afraid to talk because I might react violently and tactlessly, or show my feelings of doubt right away. Add this as a plus to his silence: I had told him flatly that I simply don't believe his words anyway, so why would he waste time talking and explaining things to me.

Now do I have the right to complain now? I guess the answer is absolutely not. I believe that he really wanted me to trust him as much as I want to, but my heart and mind is either paranoid due to his family history. I firmly believed that if someone in the family has cheated, most likely the next generation are likewise (ie our neighbors etc). He couldn't blame me for this because yeah, my mind is a closed yet open one: open with new and interesting possibilities and closed due to the history of negative things. Oh well, he chose to marry the wrong person and I could only mourn for him.

I honestly believe he's sort of a very good catch, but it's just that he had the wrong person to supposedly fall in love with: and that is, me.

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One of Those Days

It's here again. There's something about his hair, maybe about his fair complexion, in his smile and his physical features. I can't seem to get off my eyes on him. There's this gravitational pull making me want to glomp him and pull him closer to me. Yes, I could tell it is one of those days when I'm crazy over him. In fact, I could think mostly of him for many days continuously. Sometimes, it is his scent that draws me nearer, but today I can't actually tell. It's as if there's some unidentifiable source making me feel this way. I would love to just stare at him all day and do nothing, but I bet it would be as awkward as ever. I don't usually show my feelings of fondness and attraction towards him. Most of the time, he would just catch me staring deadpan at him with a quite obvious expression of awe and admiration. Honestly, I don’t know how to express myself when I find him cute, hot, or however attractive at any given time. It's just I had some telltale signs. He could figure it out. In fact, that could just be a sign that we're sort of contradictory entities.

I wanted to be as expressive as he seemingly is, but that would not be "me". It's unconventional, bizarre, and awkward to see me acting fangirlishly to the man I love in front of his face. Never could you see me in that state. I wish though that this feeling of wanting him beside me for hours and doing nothing would pass and die down eventually. I'm looking forward to the next day I see him. The truth is, every time I see him, the attraction gets to a higher level. It's insanely annoying for me since I cannot manage to see him everyday. I'm missing him more and more that maybe the next time we see each other, I'll tie him on our bedpost. Oh right. It's as if I'm missing some important point here. We were married almost a week ago. That's right. He's mine until death. Maybe now I could learn to use forever. We're stuck with each other legally as of this moment. I somehow find it like music to my ears; although the consequences and responsibilities are a little off my capacity right now. Anyway maybe I should enjoy the few months of us being the "happy couple" and drown in my fantasies of him while he's away. I don't assure though that I would find peace during these days that I'm admitting defeat over his charisma.

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I Miss You.

It's like those times again, that I've been very insecure of all his activities--only this time I have proof and I found that all my doubts were real. I kind of said the dumbest things to him earlier, and maybe if he quite remembers well he would carry those words with him in his thoughts. I only said what I felt because I think I was so frustrated that life had been very good for him. But once I said that his life is easy, he would answer a big stoic no. Then he'd shoot me with his fiery I love you lines again, and now I'd counter them.

I only get that insecure when he keeps his cellphone close to him, as if he was waiting for his ladylove's messages and he has to reply without me looking. Also, he has this habit of texting so much now compared before. I am having a bad feeling about it, but I cannot confront him anyhow. I don't know whether I should spill the beans to anyone because they will just say, screw your gut feelings, he's probably not doing anything. You know how good he is, and so on. He has this generally charismatic image to anyone and at most you would believe he's really a cool guy. I have seen his downside, have I really?

Of course, another part of these never ending insecurity dramas is his change of clothing, looks and demeanor. His newly built self-confidence and ego must've been brought by some other girl, of course not me--his subtly controlling fiancée. It seems as if our self-confidence are inversely proportional values: while his goes up, mine goes down. Yeah. It sucks but that's how it really is and was from the beginning. We never complete each other, we just complement and our relationship will make the other one go up and the other sink lower.

Whatever that must be really, I still miss how he treats me before all of these had happened. In the event that I have not been pregnant, would he be still his old sulky self that is so much more clingy than what he is now? I guess I like the new him better, although yeah I would want his emotional self back then to reappear. I admire him more for his newfound confidence, but I am really worried on what this would cause me. I guess the great depression is back.

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Musings

I really still have troubles when I think of his activities outside my knowledge. Let's say school and after school. He rarely talks to me about his nightly activities, and also the things he does when I'm not around. He doesn't mention the people he's with, only in a few cases. I really do not want to prod him to tell everything, because I prefer to be discreet and just investigate silently. But it seems as if he could read every thought and action I do. It's not the higher case of paranoia I experienced before though. I still have these gut feelings from before, strengthening each time we meet each other and I notice changes in him. His demeanor was way different from the time he said he's crazy for me. His elated mood whenever, wherever is kind of bothering me. Maybe things are getting better for him at his school. Maybe he's found a company for him to be happy with, thus he doesn't need me and he doesn't quite remember to text me or so. It was so unlike before--those times I was busy driving him away for various reasons. Now I'm thinking that I really need him to always check on me and to bug me, and it feels really weird if he's not doing that. But things have changed already, as I've been telling myself. I cannot bring back those times that he assumingly needs me and relies on every word I say. Now, he's more on others' approval and not of mine. It sucks because I am used to his being so needy of me and also of his attention to everything I do. I still think of the reasons why this had happened: was he tired of me already or is it because we're tying the knot and he's secure I won't linger anywhere but beside him? It's frustrating not knowing these and wanting to know the answers to my questions but the answer cannot be determined. Only he could state every truth and lie that I would have to analyze for myself. I don't know if this unknown jealousy and insecurity really has some real roots or was it just my missing him that affects my emotions? Or maybe the changes made me think that his inconsistency really is doubtful. I just smile and cry whenever I remember the times he's been really trying to please me, or to appear as I had wanted him to be. It's such a shame I went through the lengths of those that I wanted to change his entire being. It's wrong, it’s given to be so wrong, but I still did it. I just feel sad and terrible because of the things I've done to him. In the end, it was I who totally lost him, and now I have nothing to keep him stuck with me but a kid in my tummy.

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Ambition

 

Earlier, I was then again being the usual sulky self that I really am, also the selfish and unsupportive person I've been through these years. Since when did he began talking of his dreams and plans in the future like that? I was always not into the future thing, but he has all of it planned in his mind. Sure, I thought we'd stay like the kids we were before. But I have to admit, we're not getting any younger and we're having a child. It's absolutely not bad and shocking to think of the future at this very moment. I have to say I'd remained the kid and he's grown up into someone I am beginning to lose grip of. I really am happy and proud that he's including me in his idea of a good future, but something in me doesn't want it to happen. Is it the paranoia or is it the envy of him having to mature more than I had been? Or is it fear that maybe I'll be left behind because obviously right now I'm lagging many steps behind him. Soon, I'll only have the title of his wife rather than my own. Besides, all the family issues are there. I'm beginning to dig my hole somewhere behind his shadow. I'm losing my moment and soon it'll be all his. By that statement, it seems to me that I'm jealous of everything that's happening in his life now. I used to be the big-shot more intelligent person that was his so-called inspiration till we both failed miserably. He got up quite well and his comeback has been better than my easy fallback actions; obviously he had learned more than I did in his own soul-searching. Maybe it's time for me to let go of most of the things I've been holding to and been insecure of so I would be free of inhibitions and become a bit more honest and straightforward as he is. I already think I'm seeing this clearly: the thing is, I'm now no better than him. I'm the one who's sunk deeper in the pit we've dug together--or more appropriately, I'm the one who's being buried down under. I'm hating it, but the truth is, I'm happy inside for him. Sometimes I am thinking of not being with him because he might do better. He's reaching his prime faster than I thought it would happen. I guess I thought of him less and I was too full of myself. He's always been the better one, the humbler one, and the more honest one between us. I think all accusations and insecurities I had was due to the fact that I'm lower than him and I can't accept it. I might say it's unfair and blame it to him, but hey, maybe it's just that I had to sink lower than low in order to realize his worth more than ever--that actually I'm so lucky to have hooked up with him and not the other way around.

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My Life Sucks Big-time

Multiply is the new emotional haven slash rant site for me, because only a few people are here and most of them have no time to even browse this anymore because of the Facebook mania. And thanks to that fact, I could share my big-time ruckus slash perpetual problem in this subtly without the other people involved reading this (luckily I didn't add them nor they have Multiply). So where was I? Oh yes, I kinda figured out that my life sucks and I'm not going anywhere with it. Basically, the term appropriate for my situation is DOOMED. Yup. Make that All-caps and for the record, it must be the largest font and must be bold. Something like this:

DOOMED.

Oh yes. I knew at some point in my life I would say that my life sucks when all I was in September was in Cloud nine. Yeah. It's partly my fault, I should say. Or maybe fine. All of it. I would trace it back to the very beginning when I was in High school. Hooking up was the worst idea. Why? It ruined me academically, I lost my ace over everything I was good at, and also I believed in something I knew before was delusional. I knew I was a good analytic thinker not until I presumably got enticed and went with the flow--just like any other curious cat who died according to the saying.

I wasn't careful at all. When I had this eerie gut feeling from the very beginning, which I ignored for the meantime thanks to my then counselor of stuffs (who's now at the UAE working not for me anymore). I wrote a whole back page of my then crush journal solely dedicated to JVE on how I feel that this person-who-I-realized-wasn't-dreamy-at-all would turn out in the end. Yeah, this all continued without me looking at obvious facts: I was convinced I was delusional but in the long run after 3 years, I realized I wasn't. It was the normal gut feel I usually have when I'm sure I really don't want something. But maybe because of the longevity of it, I sure thought everything would turn out okay.

So I continued stumbling till I fell on the pit 4 years later. And now I'm suffering the consequences alone. Where has the togetherness gone now? I'm pretty sure it's lingering somewhere, but I wouldn't want to initiate it. Primarily because it's basic that the one someone tripped at is the jinx that caused his misery. In my case, that would be the case. I'm not hopeful or anything now because I knew this would be leading to a dead end. Ah, screw myself for not sticking to my clairvoyance. I had a talent for that proven many times before, but I didn't pay attention. Maybe because of peer pressure, family pressure, and flesh pressure. Ooh talk to me about that.

They say it's a Yin and Yang effect, or maybe the Good or Bad Karma. For me, it might be a lucky-unlucky phase: I used to be so lucky earlier this year by having everything under my control. And then after the lucky phase, it's time to roll the unlucky phase which started last August. Pretty fair, I guess. I expected something unlucky but not as big as what came to me. Although still, I'm quite lucky to have the monetary and security support from my family, I believe it won't last long. Because of my wrong moves, I screwed up and was dubbed to have regretted everything for not believing my mother. Ah, come on. That's not exactly what happened.

She even told me to stick around with that guy because he seemingly would die for me in that specific incident from before. She was wrong. Or so as I thought.

He did that life-threatening thing in order to prove I was stupid. He wasn't desperate. It was all a plan to catch everyone's sympathy and turn me into the villain. While we both were doing sorts of mischievous acts, just like in most societies, women are looked down upon morally because of that mistake. Yeah right. I'm no feminist though, but I'm a female. He can run away from everything while I live with everything every single day of my life. Not until in the course of my death.

I must be mourning now over a lot of things: my ruined social life, my ruined acads life, my ruined love life (oh yes, talk about wrong timing)... I don't know where to start, but right now I won't turn yet to be the overly-religious person who usually finds God in the middle of problems and so on and so forth. I won't turn out just like that yet.

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