Alone

When I was younger, I always thought being an only child is the best thing that could possibly happen to me. I was given almost anything that I wished for and all the opportunities of good stuff are present for me to experience. Everything is just centered in me and no one else, and all attention was practically poured onto me. Yes, it's the 'me' that is always present sometimes changeable into 'mine', 'I', and 'myself'. I haven't thought of the repercussions and what would be's since I was pretty much enjoying my younger days that way. Why worry if someone's going to worry for you and that nothing seems to turn out wrong? That was before. Not until now.

It seems to me that there are things solitude can't make me happier like before. Sure, it was fun getting all your favorite food on the table without anyone to share it with, but as I grow older, I found out that it's better to have the company of people akin to you. I found that sort of relationship with friends--most of them I met more than 10 years ago and some of them just recently in my college days. They gave me the fun I missed out by not having any siblings, especially now that my relationship with my parents are strained.

However, just like other things, friends come and go. Sure we hang out, but not all of the time. Everyone's busy with school, especially now that it's the graduation from college wave. This time, I have no one to turn to. I cannot let myself stoop lower than what I'm currently am by chasing off some guy who usually seeks my attention. I should know, because my pride hasn't even shredded even though it should be right now. Yeah, I might have the guts but most of the time I feel so alone--emotionally and physically. My parents have been busier than before as I noticed. Maybe when you're old enough to ran off with some guy, they won't bug you as they bugged you before, so it seems.

Things aren't the same as before since they are much more complicated and much more difficult to fathom. I don't want to bug my friends for honestly speaking of all my concerns because I know the feeling of being shared the sentiments. They'd just feel bad, well that's how I think it should be. Besides, it will take up more time to unravel what I really think of. As of now, I think I could still keep things to myself even though it's damn irritating especially at night when I can't sleep. Sometimes a new perspective isn't just enough to change the way you look at the world. Negativity should be eliminated, if possible. In my case, I can't take it away from my identity yet. That's how I lived for almost 20 freakin' years.

Since I don't really believe in relationships that work out oh-so-fine till the end of time, I can't count on some guy that I'm in a relationship with to share my sentiments. Is it really him or is it me that makes everything weirder? Sometimes I really want to repeat the statement I just said in his face: I regret every single day that I was born as a female. Dang, who should be blamed then? I don't wanna name drop because it's a sin. Besides, my sexuality could only be blamed for my fickle-mindedness. Screw that, really. Though feminists say that women shouldn't be considered the weaker sex, I think at this point of time, I would assert to that. My life would be the living testament of that though it's a cliche.

It's obvious that at the end of this post, I really suck at life, and at being constant with the working title.

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www.gudanggrosiran.com Categories: blogging, family, nothingness

Something Stupid

I only started feeling alive when I received the "Adik Pak" from someone (yup, this one's obviously taken from Mafia Wars--the Energy Pak). And now, my "addiction" was multiplied or rather increased by 25% as of this moment. So I guess I'll still be up for another good 45 minutes, texting and chatting or answering random quizzes again and again.

The last time I hadn't had the mood to sleep was the time I had the chance to use Globe's Unyt feature with JM. He called me four times since we had laggy times and the accidental end call cases, my fault. I was awake til 4 in the morning, only to find myself answering 17 quizzes simultaneously. Ian commented that I was so much of an insomniac to do that at the very moment. Oh well, I told her I was so bored to death that my mind has to move.

Oh, the other "graver" moment was the supposedly no sleep for 23 hours thingy before UPD enrollment because I was too busy chatting with my PCA barkada. Time passed and then I was upset about something that time, so I decided not to sleep. In the end, I was persuaded so I slept for a good 49 minutes before waking up at 6:10 only to take a bath immediately and go to Diliman for Summer Enlistment.

Now, it's just 12:45, and the day is young-- so I don't have to sleep yet. Unfortunately, I NEED sleep since I haven't got any single day of complete rest starting from the Papers haggard week of March (2nd to the last week). To top it all, Finals week followed, and also the Gala streak, so Marathons was just right within it. I had only 4 hours (longest) sleep, and 49 minutes (shortest).

Who is to blame this time?

Not YM, but definitely FACEBOOK. :)

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www.gudanggrosiran.com Categories: BARKADA, blogging, history, house, nothingness, paper, recenthappenings, School, upd

Inspired by B

Okay, B, kung mabasa mo man to ay alam mo kung sino ka. Ba... hehe. Di ko na sasabihin, and if ever na magreact ka mas magiging obvious na guilty ka (Nyahaha!). Anyways, since kanina mo pa ko ginising sa mga banat mo ngayong gabi e nainspire rin akong dagdagan ang ever honest Multiply blog ko-- this one kasi has a few masking techniques and kulang nalang talaga na banggitin ko yung names ng mga guys involved dito sa posts ko (they are quite a lot). Bago ko tapusin tong blog post or rather bago ko icontinue, let me clear na yung inspiration ay GALING SA SINULAT NI B and not directly coming from B himself. Oh, hehe baka lagyan ng malisya to. I repeat, hindi ako nainspire dahil kay B as a person (but I'm not telling you all na hindi kainspire-inspire si B. Inspiring kaya ang mga storya ng Fness nya. Oops. I'm telling too much na). Anyways, pinahanga na nga nya ko sa sinulat nya (hands down na) and so I will write my utmost feelings and girly annoyance sentiments na nais kong ipahatid (kundi man directly e indirectly) sa isang taong inakala kong ayun na nga pero in the end, narealize kong wag na nga.

In layman's terms and not in my weird wordplays, I was disappointed. Not by that person, but by the way my reactions go with his actions. Mas malayo, right? Anyway, let me relay this para finally this won't bug me and make me sleep. I will also be posting this in my FS Blog for public discernment (yes, I know, wala talagang paki ang tao sa Multiply ko).

This started way back in February. Midmonth. Sometime before the LR3: BTF (again, let me quote that acronym from B). Let me just tell this in a shortcut manner kasi whenever I try to put this into clearer sentences and phrases, I feel this eerie feeling in my chest. I myself can't understand it. So to protect the two people involved, I won't be mentioning their names (I don't exactly know the other naman eh) nor mention anything that people related or knowing them will easily understand.

Here's how it goes: I was so blinded by someone's PREEMPTIVE DENIALS and so I believed it by about 78% already. Yes, I was so close to giving up everything, every single thing I hold since January of this year. I also planned to fully believe this someone, not until there was a mistake I DID: Guess what, I found out something I shouldn't have. Shouldn't have, meaning MUST NOT also. Shouldn't have because it PROBABLY WOULD and REALLY did make me feel something bad. Something is in the pit of my stomach. And it reacts very badly as time goes by... I managed not to be in the super intriga mode and let it be, because I still had this 78% remaining that time, which lowered to 69.

Days passed by and I was introduced to Facebook apps and the like. I loved it. I became part of almost everything in it. And so was Plurk, I became enslaved to it. So was that someone. And so I browsed timelines and the like. I didn't like what I read. I closed the lid. Okay. So that was something. Something I DID EXPECT, but not at the moment when everything seems smooth. So I tried to procrastinate from the devil me. But still, the bitch inside of me won't let go of it. I tried not minding it by removing it from my Plurk timeline. Didn't work for me. And so, it followed that the earlier incident makes sense. After some time, the timeline was gone. It was also gone in my system. I let it go. I forgot... BUT NOT FOR A LONG TIME.

Just recently, I ran across something in FB that I don't know why I did. Okay, that was malabo, pero I won't clarify to protect identities. Anyway, I was disgusted. My hunches and all the gut feelings made sense again. Ooh. A little of that word. Anyway, I looked it up, and alright I said to myself. This would be another blow. It obviously lowered to 20%. And after some SMS, it decreased more. -49%. Haha. That's interesting. I kinda suggested it anyway. But then denials came by. Flashback. There was also the preemptive one. And so it goes, it happened. What can I do? I was right, but of course it wasn't that sure and accurate. I checked all things and still I can't get away with it. The SMS thingies made my mind turn something like 360 degrees. I would want to forget it. But then, look at me now. I'm back as an insomniac.

The worst thing?

I am back, writing specific implied nonsense for those who do not understand and not related, and simply nothing to those who are not ME. Okay, so this is so confusing. I intentionally did that, and also quite unintentionally, because my mind is as obscure as my OUTPUT: This blogpost. I end this post saying, don't believe even the person that is supposed to be your confidante, and trust your feelings. With feelings, forget the lovey lovey part, and make sure it's the gut one. It works a lot, although it misleads more. Just be like Conan and assure yourself that "Shinjitsu wa itsumo hitotsu!": THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUTH!

Whether the truth is contrary to what I will hear from someone, I don't mind anymore. Still, I stick to my wrong beliefs and jumped at conclusions-- those without ACTUAL are by far more real to me, especially when they have IMPLIED evidences. Weird. Weird. Never mind.

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www.gudanggrosiran.com Categories: blogging, nothingness

Wasting Time

Okay. Let me start tonight's post with something I am supposed to be doing. My PA 111 paper, our midterm exam that is take home. However, I can't seem to make myself start thinking about it seriously even though it's been almost a month since it was given to us and the deadline is on Thursday. I want to do it, but a lot of things hinder me from doing so. For example, I just found out that SA (Special* A anime) has been subbed till episode 20. I spent my afternoon watching from where I left (episode 15). And so my mind was preoccupied with Kei and Hikari romance, plus the newly revealed (though obvious from the start) Tadashi and Akira romance. And just a while ago, I chatted nonstop with friends from high school at YM, and got hooked on Leo Ku- a C-pop (Cantonese pop) singer and actor. He has these audibles with his songs "Monica", "Love and Honesty" and the other one (the funny one ). I really enjoyed the time spent, although obviously it's wasting time.

Now let's go to the part where it seems unrelated. Last night, my long-term (as in super long term) crush was online and I didn't know how to react well to it. I mean, come on, the temptation of looking at his web cam just got in to me. But of course, I prevented myself from doing that thing since it seems fangirlish (although admittedly I am his fan-girl since I'm addicted or affected by him since 2nd year high school). Anyway, upon ignoring him there, it was time for grilling pork and then later in the night after a sumptuous dinner, I just chatted with one of my high school friends- JM- and another, my longest guyfriend Roy. There were lots of topics and that, and I didn't notice that it's already past 12 (1:30 AM). Roy logged out earlier than that and JM and I talked and talked till I was disconnected and some DL's are done. So what happened next was I ate ice cream and listened to my Ultra CD 2 anime, kpop and jpop collection. I read a bit and was suddenly intercepted by my mom. I then went to sleep. So there.

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www.gudanggrosiran.com Categories: chinito, crush, friends, music, nothingness, paper, School

A FONT TO REMEMBER

Woah. Big font for the first time.

And now I am writing nothingness.

I have no idea why I am still awake at this moment.

I want to study, but I simply can't.

I hate what I am up to.

I like what is happening... a bit.

Why does it have to be "I" all the time?

God. I need to write an outline for my paper.

I'm kinda lost.


When will I be found?!

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www.gudanggrosiran.com Categories: nothingness, paper, recenthappenings, upd

I'm Almost Over You!

Isn't this a bit EMOtional?

There's this song  with this line. I do not know the title and I just heard it from somewhere. Honestly, I admit that I'm quite emotional myself. Looking back from before, I'm more bottled up because of this annoying emotional trait. Later, as I entered college, it finally lessened. I became emotionally stable and socially active. Sometimes I do think I changed because of college. I wasn't confined at the "religious" environment I had when I was in high school and even when I was in primary school.

And now, I'm saying that I'm almost over something other than being emotional in general. Something more specific and something that I thought would lead me to doom.

Did I just find "the light"?

Wow. I never thought smileys were around here. I guess it must be the light that I've found. I do believe I haven't found <-- something related to this.


To many, what I am writing right now is obscure and nonsense. As we grow older, we do realize a lot of things. This is one thing I'm so sure of. I guess I must've spent a lot of nonsense times in my life. If I put those times together, I must say that I regret everything that had happened...

REGRET. REMORSE... what could be worse than these? I could not think of a word yet. Someday, I'll be able to express what I really intend to say. Of course, not in my usual blatant manner, but in a way that I could not hurt anyone.

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www.gudanggrosiran.com Categories: nothingness

Déjà Vu?

This has happened. Err why?

It's strangely familiar to me.

What's that?

Every single thing that has occurred from 9:04 PM till 9:20 PM.

Woah.

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What's with "that letter"?

Last night, I was talking with Yuji. I was watching Witch Yoo Hee back then. I talked about it, of course. I told him that I was watching that show since Jae Hee, the Korean actor who looks like マリオ, is the lead. He was asking about the show more so I told him about the plot and used their Filipino dubbed names. The guy 「Jae Hee」 was named "Marlon". Yuji laughed, telling me abruptly that "...maybe you're talking about マリオ.". I stopped for a while. I laughed, and I composed myself. I suddenly thought about it. Hmn. He got a point there. マリオ, Marlon... Haha. Oh well. I just smiled at that. Well, too much to say... It's Mirumo now. I gotta go and record. "That letter" is definitely meaningful to me. :)

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www.gudanggrosiran.com Categories: 13, dorama, friends, nothingness, vacation

We're... FRIENDS... at FS.

Wow I hate to say this but... I'm ECSTATIC!!!

He added me on friendster. I'm so glad! I was jumping up and down and I rushed to my dad's side as he was peacefully resting at their room.

"PA! Guess what? HE ADDED ME ALREADY! I can't believe this!" I shouted, and he smiled consolingly at me.

"Hey, why don't you just admit it to him now?" my dad said. "It's not unusual that girls admit their feelings,"

I shook my head. "No WAY! Absolutely!!"

My dad laughed. We talked. And then I went back to my room and checked his profile...


That would be all for now. :)

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www.gudanggrosiran.com Categories: 13, nothingness, vacation