The Panty Guide

In the female shower room, I like being a voyeur. I look at breasts, I look at asses, I look at panties. I was surprised to see many older women actually wearing sexy lingerie! The judgmental side of me went “Woah, Aunties also know how to be sexy leh. But their ass is saggy, but again, she is wearing sexy underwear!! How does she know how to?!?”

When I visited Hong Kah Point (Blk 501-508, Jurong West) over the weekend, I figured out how Aunties knew about staying sexy underneath. It’s because, in the heartlands, lingerie as tantalizing as Victoria Secrets or La Senza is being sold! And when it’s $1.90, do you think the Aunties will think twice?!?

The Bra House: Without a fancy store name, you pay 1/10 the price.

 My colleague spent $79 for a g-string in lieu of her first night of consummation. That’s for a measly piece of cloth that is barely covers. It may be a French brand, but I believe the $1.90 found in the heartlands will also garner a standing ovation. The men can’t tell!

Another girlfriend only wears cotton because she always thought her husband felt lace and bright bold colours scream slut and so she stays virginal with pastel cotton panties like a school girl (if her husband is turned on by that, it's a sign of a paedophile).

Like finding the right bikini to suit your body type to choosing the right clothes to accentuate body parts, here’s the Panty Guide for sex appeal. And because it’s Chinese New Year, I picked red on purpose. Be lucky, be sexy!

G-String

Offering the least coverage, this is virtually invisible under clothes. Wear this if you are wearing a figure hugging or lightly translucent bottom. Visible panty line is a huge fashion boo-boo.

For whom: Be honest. Is your ass nicely rounded and cellulite free? If it isn’t, the G-string isn’t for you when without clothes on.

Comfort level: 2/10 you will often feel something is up your ass, literally.

Please avoid butterfly mortifs like this though. It makes you look like a hooker.

Thong

Also known as a T-back, a lot more comfortable than the g-string, the thong is a sexy little no-show. It offers a hint more coverage than the G, yet perfect under the most revealing fashions.

For whom: Same as the G

Comfort level: 5/10 sometimes it can still get scrunched up and you will again feel something is up your ass, literally.

Cheeky 

Now, the cheeky is as the name implies. A little panty with lots of cheek peek. More back coverage than a thong but less than a bikini. The perfect pick for when a little reveal is all you want.

For whom: The ones who are honest enough to admit they don’t have a nice ass but thick skinned enough to insist on showing her ass.

Comfort level: 10/10 almost as comfy as a period panty

Bikini

The underthing for everything. It’s the most common type in any panty wardrobe. Make it sexier with a string option instead of the usual band.

For whom: anybody and everybody, mostly pubescent girls, where they buy in box packs.

Comfort level: 10/10

Briefs/ Hip huggers

These border on a thin line between sexy and frumpy. Wait, forget sexy, you can’t make this sexy unless you look like a Victoria Secrets angel. Even if it’s lace or in never-fail-black. Looking very much like grandma panties aka girdles, these ARE the period panties.

For whom: anyone having the time of the month. Note: not time of her life.

Comfort level: 10/10 only that your confidence and sexiness level will plummet to 1.

Boyshorts

The best for the last, this is the MOST flattering for all body types. It’s a sure-win combination. Lace + boy shorts cut. It’s comfy, it’s cute and it gives a very flirty silhouette.

For whom: Flat asses get the illusion of a perk ass. Huge asses take the attention away from it being big. Perky asses, speechless.

Comfort level: 10/10, this is NOT period panties.

The right Lingerie can Make a Woman

feel Confident & Sexy.

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Girl Next Door

I grew up in a heartland and still am residing in a heartland. After living in a heartland for decades, I have not considered living out of one. What is uniquely Singapore in the heartlands are

A) Putting clothes out on a bamboo pole

B) Self created English, “under the void deck”

We heartlanders might not have exclusive pools or gyms, but we sure have a lot more to gain from. We might even feel a lot safer than in a condominium that has aging weak security who naps or wanks (I saw this at Holland Village, seriously! Another story for another time). However, we DO face the occasional shoe thief or the inconsiderate upper floor neighbour whose laundry drips.

Cold Storage, The Market Place are choices private estates will get their groceries. $2.10 for a packet of tao gei (raw bean sprouts) compared to $0.10 for the same amount in the heartlander’s wet market.


We are proud to be a cheapskate, that’s how we get rich (or try to).

Hong Kah Point (Blk 501-508, Jurong West) might sound super obiang, super ulu and super unglam but that’s where the best kept secrets are. Which heartland has the prettiest girls? Some people say Ang Mo Kio. Hahaha.

“Under my void deck” consists of over 100 shops and a bustling market and food centre. Korean clothes found in Far East Plaza? You have it here at a fraction. Here’s what you can’t find in Orchard but only in heartlands because it’s not “modern” enough for glitzy Orchard.

Ear picks!

I don’t usually plug music into my ears, but I realized that when I do, my ear wax increases. This is a human’s natural reaction to protect the ear drums (thus it is NOT a good thing to listen to loud music so frequent) and people usually use cotton buds to clear the ears.

However, a friend taught me that it isn’t as healthy using a cotton bud as compared to using the grandma method of an ear pick. Cotton buds actually push the dirt even further in. However when I do feel rich like a Cleopatra, I get ear candling performed. I don’t know how it works and I am not keen to Google, but the objective is to vacuum out the dirt and it helps with your sinus. I do not get it performed too often to really see any effect. But like I said, when I DO feel rich like Cleopatra, a Queen usually spends recklessly.

Getting it done at Millennium walk costs me $38, getting it done in the heartlands? $10. I have to admit I DID fear having my hair caught on fire though. That’s the problem with mankind! We judge based on appearances. Cheap doesn’t mean it isn’t good, talking about sex doesn’t mean you are a slut. Then again, if a deal is too cheap to be true, it probably is so do be careful.

However, it doesn't mean you can't be a smart shopper!

Maxi dresses for $12 when it could be $39 at Bugis.

Daiso in Orchard might have everything at $2,but are they this pretty?

Beauty queen wannabes, glitzy shoes are a MUST in the pageant run. Get them from Hong Kah at $49 and there might even be a sale. Elsewhere, it starts from $79. Even Malaysia.

Don't need KL, don't need Bangkok, here's where you get your fake labels. No wonder almost every Auntie on the MRT has a Gucci.

Wear expensive, carry cheap or carry expensive, wear cheap. No one can tell!



This is my BEST find ever. They're 2 white candy balls but wrapped in a panda wrapper that makes the whole thing look very Kawaii and exclusive! I first saw such in Tokyo and we all unanimously coo "ooh, so cute", "only Japan will have these." Guess what, save the $800 airfare, get a $1.30 train ticket to Hong Kang Point and buy this for only $3.80. You can distribute to your friends and say you bought it from Japan. They will feel honoured that you bought them an EXPENSIVE gift.

 

I was gutted when i saw this. I bought my bandage skirt from Top Shop for $49, here it's only $16.

What else can you find in the heartlands and nowhere else?

The good old days of Brick Game on road trips.

Ah Ma and her biscuit tins.

I am Asian and i believe in traditional medicine.

So what if the city has fancy bakery names, sometimes we just want cakes where we get to keep the toys!

Every year, during the Chinese New Year period, makeshift stalls will spring up at Hong Kah Point selling all sorts of items from CNY goodies to decorations to fashion, household items and electronics.. I love pasar malams! When I was younger, my elder brother will excitedly come home and tell us he spotted a red tent. This is the code for “Let’s skip dinner tonight!” We will then gather all our friends who live around the neighbourhood and troop down to fill our stomachs with Ramlee burger, Taiwan sausage, tea leaf egg and many more artery blocking food.

Pasar Malams are a rare find nowadays, so if you have any foreign visitors or you are simply craving for the childhood love, head down to Jurong West! It will be there till the end of Feb. http://www.myheartland.com.sg/

Do you know what is the best kept secret of the heartlands? It's something that costs $39 in the city for something barely there but only $1.90 in the heartlands. Something that can evoke many reactions like pulse racing and mouth salivating.

To be continued...

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